just a lil more than 365 days// .. ignorance isn't bliss. it has resulted in lousy gp grades.. .. it has never crossed my mind before that when i first entered epak, i would be so close to the colleagues around me.. .. but all of a sudden, i've began to wonder, is she like others who are also afraid to be implicated..? .. the world is not as simple as we think it out to be, we've got to be on guard at all times.. .. i kept asking myself, why do i have to only perform or rather do better only at my second attempt.. .. half a year has passed and why do i feel not a sense of accomplishment.. ? .. who will believe we actually have so much to say.. ? ..i do not know how far can this friendship take us to, hopefully its eternity..? .. grab opportunities and take no chances.. .. i am not really prepared for university.. .. seriously, my desire for success is really greater than it seems.. .. that hunger for success.. .. i must never make a muddle of my tertiary education. never. ... .. holidays are ending and there are certain things i have failed to do. i couldnt visit xue.. .. there are just certain friendships in life which cannot afford to be lost.. .. she's yet another person who impacted my life, like the latter .. life has take a downturn which i think i am about to lose it, i am beginning to fall.. .. i thought that my memories of maths could last.. .. tell me not that things are changing cos at this moment in time.. i still cannot accept it.. .. i know deep down the reason is not cos of maths that let me down, i feel very disappointed cos i felt like a failure.. .. i know i cant give up, i know i cant fall, i know i must hang on in spite of all difficulties and i will, i will work towards a better future in this stressful national university of singapore.. zzzz .. sometimes i really cannot understand.. .. i duno why i am so concerned about that lamer and why is she affecting me so much.. .. i don't mind doing many things for her even at the expense of my limited time.. why.. .. this was the first time someone whipped something especially for me.. .. sometimes when you do not know how to respond to people, maybe the best way is to reject..? .. i mustn't be lagging behind in the stupid race.. .. i thought she will never be angry with me.. .. anybody in the right mind knows how important she is to me.. .. is friendship really that fragile..? ..i feel very empty deep within.. .. i remembered exactly what she said to me.. .. is this all worth it - do you remember saying your uni life mustn't be in a mess? .. why are you so afraid to be lonely..? .. its not worth it cos you're not even worth that tile.. .. emotional pain is the worst.. .. there's this thing in her which can make me happy every other day.. .. time .. .. i screwed up my life .. entirely .. .. hope to hear from you at least on my bday.. .. 8 days ain't long enough.. ..that test from above.. .. sustaining a friendship is not as easy as one thinks.. .. my stubborness and temper can result in unerasable (?) hurt.. .. taking away every ounce of energy i have left.. .. i am most afraid of - - - loneliness ... .. if my life can prove,i will.. .. she called me for 2 consecutive days.. not even a cap 5 will bring me to that level of happiness.. .. weathering the storm, surviving the typhoon and emerging stronger? ..i have become insane.. exams are nearing and not one chapter i have studied.. .. short-lived happiness.. ..i am tired of walking.. .. i don't wanna lose control of myself.. .. i must muster the courage to face reality.. .. there's no outcome actually.. .. i hate to cry.. .. everytime i move, you retract.. .. the day you tell me straight in the face that you don't value this friendship anymore will be the time i give up and the last time i cry for you.. .. i have turned twenty but not a tinge of happiness.. .. happiness has been overridden by sorrow, unhappiness and misery.. .. my biggest regret thus far is.. that few minutes of your time.. .. i can't help but think of the funniest and happiest things that we did together.. .. amidst the dumbness, i still miss you.. .. i don't believe in 永远.. .. first person whom i cried umpteen times over.. .. first who chased me out of the house.. .. first i cabbed after.. .. first to yell at me in the manner i won't forget.. .. first to tell me that in what i can't believe in a feat of anger... .. i feel so low, i am like trying to destroy myself.. .. the only comfort is the common memories we have shared.. .. when one can no longer share the happiness of another, when there's too much division, when part of our soul no longer reside in the other, its when we start losing this feeling called HOPE.. .. sometimes one just can't explain the affinity one has for the other.. .. i met her today.. .. i missed her so much.. .. yet i just stood there. haha. good nite.
& about
alice, e lamer
21 years
S'porean by birth, nus chemist by choice, Christian by grace
Loves God, family and friends
