Self reflection
Thursday, March 31, 2005
♥ 1:30 PM
Ever since I entered jc and im referring to e period after pae, I’ve come to realize tt it’s hard to find v close frenz here. Well I define v close as someone whom I find not only comfortable with, but will be able to share my happiness and sorrow with. Someone whom I noe will be there at e lowest points of my life, stay by me, riding rough patches with me as well. But no i couldn’t seem to find any jus yet. Every friendship seems to stop a moment as e day’s lessons end and continued on e next day when lessons begin again.. do any1 bothers to find out how u r doing, how u r coping or simply jus to haf a nice chat wif ya after sch.. friendship seems so superficial, I duno u well and neither do u..Well..it is so saddening.. Which means to say when im feeling down, I look for myself, trying to find reasons as to why I c no1 there for me. Who understands? Ppl who do aint here and ppl who dun r everywhere yet remain oblivious to whatever is happening…haiz all I can say is tt life is full of e unexpected…
Where haf everyone gone to…..? argh xue! I cant wait for u to be back! Geri I cant wait for As to be over… even though we r both in sg, living so near now even, it seems as though we are miles apart.. cudnt even have a chance to chat wif ya, share my problems and joy.. feel so suppressed. Maybe one day I’ll die of frustrations with e growing problems bottled within me.. miss my buds too!!!! its good its good to reminisce the good old days.. esp sec sch ba.. it was e point of life which I learnt and enjoyed most ba. E most fulfilling part to date. A life where I found joy in. I dun find studying much of a drudgery den, cos at any moment in time, u noe u haf a fren out there who cares for u and will be e one who will hold u shld u fall. No one would leave u in e lurch, to rot. Still remembered how stressed out I was when studying for my bio ‘o’s.. I was like abt to scream “I give up”. I was caught at my ends, studying jus 2 days b4 e exam??? Alice i think u were mad! Haha but I detested e subject a lot, probably cos of e teacher and oso myself of cos. I had no interest and I was really at a loss. I cudnt study at home and had to jio xue to go sch and study a day b4 e exams? I was a little mad.. but I need a kinda support, I was falling.. and felt really comforted to think that even at tt moment in time b4 e exams, I was not left alone to rot. To think I even considered not taking e exam at tt moment. I was tt rash but it seems as if a bucket of cold water was poured over me when my mom reprimanded me like mad.. haha. Where..? when then can I find all these memories back again..? I wanna turn back time! Know tis is unrealistic, unpractical, but tts really my wish.. if time cud return, I can safely say there’ll be a lot of changes.. changes in my decisions as well as others.
But still I chose tis route and why shld I complain so much? I duno y either. Maybe its human to complain.. we r jus always so unsatisfied with our life.. well I cudnt deny tis fact. But as I complain, I can safely say I wont forget all e good things tt im blessed with. Happy family, good frenz, safe shelter, sufficient food.. perhaps im living a life so much better off than many, but would jus like to reflect a little on e imbalance of my life, about how sucky jc life cud be..
Every morning as I wake up, I hope to start e day well and good, with one notion in mind, to study, work hard and faster graduate. Haha. But life isn’t tt easy, if it is, all e tchers wouldn’t have warned us of e tough jc life. I noe, I am only an average student. A student who would score badly if I dun study and may oso obtain equally lan` results if I study too. Jus a person of below average IQ, a person who is slow in grasping concepts and have weak analytical skills. Tts y I suck at stats and phy. My frenz noe tt. Haha. With tis facts in mind, I noe I got to work tt extra mile, I noe I have to study extremely hard if I wanna do well in As. But why does it seems so futile? Why cant I put my knowledge to good use? Why cant I apply? Why cant I understand e stuff tt e lect teach? Why must I rely on others? Oh ya, before I forget, I am oso an ignorant person. A person who has little knowledge about e world, though I really try to read e newspaper when I am free and not tired. But it seems like these kinda days r difficult to find ya? Haha. Dun be surprised if u ask me a simple question and I cudnt ans u, cos I really noe nth. Ignorance. And ignorance isn’t bliss at all. We get scorned at, looked down upon. I really hate it when people despise me and tt is an aspect which spurs me to work even harder. I got to stretch! And wat am I doing here? Not doing anything.. I duno wat I am doing too.. sick..
I wanna shout at e sea…
